Funny quotes about life.
Funny quotes about life, Famous quotes. Best quotes. Comedy quotes. Ive added a bunch of quotes, as you can see, for no other reason than to make you smile. and maybe to make you think a bit too, who knows. A quote a day keeps the doctor away. or something like that. Scroll down to the Really Long List of Funny Quotes about life, for the best funny quotes, i could find. Or go to the Best Quotes of All Time page and the Quotes about Life page , for the more serious quotes. (but still fun)
Please , come back here tomorrow. This blog is updated daily! Enjoy!!
FUNNY QUOTES OF THE DAY:
Quotes of the Day
FAMOUS QUOTES OF THE DAY:
Quote of the Day
THE REALLY REALLY LONG LIST OF FUNNY QUOTES:
Woody Allen Funny Quotes:
-My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
-As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
-I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
-You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
-I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
-Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
-I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.
Albert Einstein Funny Quotes:
-The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
-The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
-As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
-I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Fredrick Nietzsche Funny Quotes:
-Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
-In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.
-A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
-Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
-Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.
Mark Twain Funny Quotes :
-Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
-The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
-“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Voltaire, Funny Quotes
-Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
-If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
-Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.
-No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
-Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
-The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
-It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.
-There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.
-Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
-By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.
-Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.
Plato’s Best Quotes (not really funny..)
-No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.
-One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
-This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.
-Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-The measure of a man is what he does with power.
Winston Churchill’s Funny Quotes:
-A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
-It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
-If you are going through hell, keep going.
-The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
George Carlin’s Funny Quotes:
-The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
-Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
-A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
-Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
-You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
-Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
-I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
-What year did Jesus think it was?
-The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-“No comment” is a comment.
-If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Chris Rock Funny Quotes:
-Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.
-Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
-I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
-If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.
-“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”
-“You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”
Steve Martin’s Funny Quotes:
-Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!
-There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
-Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
-I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
-First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)
Steven Colbert Funny Quotes:
-“There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”
-Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.
-“To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.”
—-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner
-On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.
-There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
-Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.
-I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
-Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.
-Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.
Jon Stewart’s funniest quotes:
-I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
-Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
-We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.
-We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.
-Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005
Bill Maher Funny Quotes:
-They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
-Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
-I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
-Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes:
-Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
-Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
-Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
-There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
Larry David Funny Quotes:
-I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”
-Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
-If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.
Dennis Miller Funny Quotes:
-“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
-A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
-The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.
Jay Leno Funny Quotes:
-The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
-Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
-The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
-Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.
Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes:
-Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
-Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
-I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
-A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes:
-When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.
-I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
MORE FUNNY QUOTES:
“I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .and you know how you just get sooo
stressed and life seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!” So, I look down at him and say, “Well, which one are you then?”… and
THAT’S when the fight started . .” :)
COME BACK TOMORROW ! :)
—RANDOM PHOTOS AND STUFF—-
Tom Hardy is Bane, in the new Batman.
Tom Hardy. Bane.
Catwoman Anne Hathaway. Batman.
Catwoman Anne Hathaway. Batman.
Spiderman Andrew Garfield.
Andrew Garfield as spiderman in the new spiderman movie.
Penelupe Cruz is in Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides.
Penelupe Cruz is in Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides.
QUOTES FROM: Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean 4, as Jack Sparrow:
[after being addressed as "Jack Sparrow"]
Jack Sparrow: There should be a “Captain” in there somewhere.
[Standing on a cliff edge]
Jack Sparrow: You know that feeling you get when you’re standing in a high place… sudden urge to jump?… I don’t have it.
Jack Sparrow: Did everyone see that? Because I will *not* be doing it again.
Angelica: Why is it we can never meet without you pointing something at me?
[to his crew]
Barbossa: You can sleep when you’re dead!
Jack Sparrow: I thought I should give you warning. We’re taking the ship. It’s nothing personal.
Barbossa: [from trailer]
[to his crew]
Barbossa: Gentlemen, the fountain is the prize. Mermaid waters, that be our path.
Jack Sparrow: [to Angelica about taking the ship] You might be better to just to…
[sword comes through the door]
Jack Sparrow: stay out of it.
Jack Sparrow: There’ll be dangers along the way… firstly mermaids, zombies… Blackbeard.
Blackbeard: If I don’t kill a man once in awhile, people forget who I am
Jack Sparrow: Captain, I wish to report a mutiny. I can name fingers and point names.
Blackbeard: Bring the mermaid!
Philip: You’re killing her.
Blackbeard: I’m a bad man.
Gibbs: All part of the plan, yes?
Jack Sparrow: No.
Jack Sparrow: Have you been there?
Captain Teague: Does this face look like it’s been to the fountain of youth?
Jack Sparrow: Depends on the light.
Angelica: That’s hardly appropriate for the first mate.
Jack Sparrow: Was I the first?
Ok something for the ladies, i guess..
James Franco shirtless, well almost.. there are limits..
James franco shirtless, naah. But excellent photo, though.
James Fanco 127 hours.
James Franco in 127 Hours. An excellent movie, go and see it!
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Ruby Tuesday Coupons Papa Johns promo code
Rolleiflex Chilis Menu Opthamologist.
Amazon Promotional code.
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